Too much mock draft, parents gone daft & more stuff at which to laugh


By Mike Ashl

BIRD-BRAINED: The Tampa Bay Bucs have announced they will use a parrot to announce their draft picks in the later NFL Draft rounds. The Cleveland Browns announced they will use an albatross.

PARENT TRAP: I saw a comic strip in a newspaper (remember them?) where a helicopter parent, after his child’s team lost, charged the opposing coach with ‘crimes against humanity at The Hague Tribunal.’ (The strip was WuMo, by the way.)

JUST SAYIN’: Rappers and other celebs are coming up way too much in my NBA feed. Did Larry Bird ever feel the need to play harder to shut up Dyan Cannon?

YOU BOYS PLAYING CARDS? Former NFL lineman Evan Mathis auctioned off his Mickey Mantle Topps rookie card for $2.88 million. For the record, Mathis’ first Topps card is available at Amazon for $0.91. #justgoodinvestigativejournalism

TIMEOUT FOR TRIVIA: So just how bad is the playoff history of the Washington Capitals against the Pittsburgh Penguins? How many times have the two Eastern Conference rivals met and how many times have the Pens come out on top?

NAKED TRUTH: NCAA committee recommends allowing 18-year-olds to go right to the NBA. That doesn’t work for the same reason draft eligible 19- and 20-year-olds isn’t great either – they still aren’t old enough to go to the strip clubs with their teammates.

LEONARD PART FOUR: Favorite ‘Onion’ sports headlines this week – ‘Spurs Skype in Kawhi Leonard For Game Four’ and ‘Carmelo Anthony Struggles to Get Rhythm Back After Making Shot.’

HAIL YOU SAY: Washington’s Bruce Allen was named the least trusted NFL executive in an anonymous poll of agents. The Redskins’ President of Pants & Parades (tip of the NFL-licensed cap to sports talk mogul Steve Czaban) has famously said his racially insensitive nicknamed team is ‘winning off the field.’

PLAY TO HIS STRENGTH: Do you think former NFL star Greg Hardy joined the UFC because he thought they would let him fight women?

CAPTAIN MY CAPTAIN: Derek Jeter denies the Marlins are tanking, which if true, makes him the worst talent evaluator in all of baseball.

HE DIDN’T GET BILLIONS AND BILLIONS: Free agent outfielder Melky Cabrera signed a minor league deal with the Indians. It’s the Melky Way back to the majors.

TRIVIA ANSWER: This is the 11thplayoff meeting, the second most ever of any non-Original Six rivalry. Dallas and St. Louis have met 13 times, battling more evenly (St. Louis, 7-6). The Penguins have waddled past the Caps nine of the 10 previous meetings, including sending Washington packing the last two years. In fact, there’s no real proof in D.C. that the NHL Playoffs ever actually continue beyond the second round.


ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mike Ashley has covered college athletics for over 30 years. He has worked in the athletic departments at Virginia Tech, Radford University and Marshall University, in addition to freelance work from his Northern Virginia home. Ashley has also worked as a stand-up comic, and has been a regular on many radio stations throughout the Mid-Atlantic Region. His work appears in Terrapin Times (covering the University of Maryland), NCAA programs, Blue Ribbon YearbooksAthlonLindy’s, and on bathroom stalls in major sporting venues. He has also co-authored a book on the golden age of Virginia Military Institute football, “Best Regrets: VMI’s John McKenna and The Lost Age of College Football.” Previously, the Salem, Va., native has helped author books on the New York Yankees, Emmitt Smith, Maryland’s 2002 NCAA basketball championship, and published a book on the history of Radford University.

William Roth